“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
You Might Also Like
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
#SCOTUS one-star review
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.