My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
#growingpains
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
True?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see