Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.