It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.