A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
You Might Also Like
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
#parenting
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.