*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day