Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
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How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick