My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.