If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did