I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.