bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
You Might Also Like
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great