I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.