If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Finally, a door that understands me
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER