At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
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Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I think about this a lot
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’