#MeanwhileinCanada
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
some things should go without saying
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese