Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
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I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know