If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
inventing words: clothing
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel