I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy