“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Oh we’ve met.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
We’ve all been there…
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?