The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?