The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.