Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
You Might Also Like
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
The fall of Netflix
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.