Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys