“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
You Might Also Like
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
A friend helps you before you need it
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I have a type: disappointing
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot