*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
👾👾👾
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The dark side of Canada
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.