Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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Potatoes were such a good idea
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
cyclists
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.