Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
You Might Also Like
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….