I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*