[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.