Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.