[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
You Might Also Like
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand