I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.