People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?