If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Is this a threat?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
every. time.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*