-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
All is fair in drunk and war.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?