Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.