Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.