It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.