The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Jesus Christ lmao
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*