[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Hamburger Hinderer.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
A roof is a house hat.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not