My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.