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My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier