Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.