CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
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When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
all bases covered
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.