Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
You Might Also Like
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!