A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists