ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.