[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.