Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
that de-escalated quickly
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?