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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My dress code is business-casualty.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.